and sometimes i just want to give up.
sometimes i don't know why i'm still here.
when lifes just a cycle full of pain.

Sick of your Skin

And the sound of my heart breaking is still more audible than the whispers of my doubts.

Ever have those days where more than anything you just don't want to be inside your own skin?

Today is one of those days. Where I'm so low down in myself I don't even know where positive thinking is.
I like to kid myself that I'm doing ok, and that I'm handling everything that is happening with grace and respect for myself. Realistically, I know I'm lying to myself. My confidence is probably as low as it has been over the past few years, I did something I thought I wouldn't reduce myself to. I ordered diet pills. I don't know what possessed me; probably the same feeling of not being good enough that haunted me for years, yet I thought I had that under control. Maybe the fact I'm in love with someone who clearly doesn't want me back is messing up my thoughts but all rational thought seems to have gone out of the window.
Maybe I post all this on here in all irrational hope that he'll check out this blog, realise what it's doing to me and realise he doesn't wanna let me go. Realise that I'm still here waiting. And I don't know how to stop waiting, I don't know how to stop my heart breaking.
I don't know why I post this, maybe I just want somebody to take it all away. To make this all stop. Because somethings gotta give. I can't go on living a life where I don't feel like myself. But what else can I do. 

Brain Functionings.

It's like my biggest fear is being alone, unwanted, not good enough. I fear I'm not as much fun, not as funny and not as pretty as anyone else someone might want to hang around with. Maybe that holds me back some. I never feel that I've found the right group of friends; the ones that truly accept me. A few perhaps but they're scattered about the place, and time and distance always seems to change things, at least a little. People move and begin their own lives with different circles of friends. It's like my brain automatically finds a way to change things, to change my perception from normal to something warped, or paranoid. I begin to feel I'm not wanted, or not good enough. But instead of attempting to shut that voice up and join in anyway, I give in to it. I listen to it. I shut myself off. And as a result, I get more and more isolated; and eventually, more and more paranoid.

I find it difficult in groups. I'm not a strong personality. I like to sit and take note of all that's going on around me, only ever partaking when I feel I have something worthy to add. And then there are others I feel I could talk to for hours and so I do, eventually worrying I might be annoying them and trying to shut myself up.

I get worried about texting people. That as I do so, they're surprised to see my name and instead roll their eyes and think 'I can't be bothered'. Of course this means that most texts are sent with a sense of guilt, or that no matter how much I want to text them, I'm so scared of the rejection that I can't bring myself to do it.

The worst of it is that I recognise that I'm doing it; but no matter what, it's always so hard to snap myself out of it. I had confidence once, in who I was and the people I was with. But when abandonment comes around I find it all zapped and it becomes a cycle so difficult to break. So for anyone that might be reading this that I was once/am close to, I do miss you, and I do wish everyday to speak to you but sometimes the overwhelming cloud in my head just overtakes and the full whispers of doubt interrupt. I never mean to be awkward or distant, it's just the torturous way my brain functions. One day, it might be different, but until then, it's up to my to work out how to break the quiet and build the confidence to be who I am or need to be. 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Would like to pretend things are different.
But I'm still just a broken hearted girl, wondering where things went wrong.
Cos I gave you my HEART, so what do I do now. What do I have left.