Change

Change happens everyday and it's something that we all adapt to, maybe a road into work was closed today, you had to change your route. Maybe you found out you were allergic to something and had to change your diet. Sometimes, we decide that it's our mindset, or a certain aspect of ourselves that we need to change. Our hair colour, our weight, our hair style, our view towards certain things. Sometimes, we decide to change our own frame of mind. I used to get teased a little back in the day for my hair colour, I had slightly ginger hair, not the carrot top stuff but I was certainly never disguising it as anything else. I got blonde highlights for years and when I eventually stopped, my hair went darker and lost some of its natural redness and to be honest with you, I was slightly gutted. I kinda wanted to be different from the crowd, have a hair colour that was difficult to dye it to.. And to an extent, that all boils down to confidence, I have recently been speaking to people who have given me the confidence to believe in myself and who I am and to be that person. So, I braved it, I bought hair dye and have dyed my hair back to more of it's original colour, although its darker than what my hair used to be when I was wee, its still got that ginger colour to it. and I love it. It feels like ME (mum, if your reading this, I'm sorry, I only got your text after I did it and I promise you won't hate it). 

I have also shocked myself by conditionally agreeing to do a naked calendar (conditions being female photographer, and only girls from my course in the room). Me. Do a naked calendar. I swear the snow is making me LOOPY. But hey, I'm young, I've not got an entirely terrible and if I can't have the balls to do it now and just enjoy life, when am I going to? When I'm 65 and things are wrinkly and generally going south? I THINK NOT. And anyway, I think that this will be such a personal achievement and challenge at the same time, for someone whose not particularly fond of their body to show it? Good on them, cos that takes guts. And maybe that will be enough to give me just that little bit more confidence in myself and my body, that I will step outside my comfort zone and do challenges that are personal to me. Plus its all in the name of charity and a ball for the society, who am I to turn that down!!

Anyway, maybe what I'm trying to say is that change isn't all bad, maybe it's just a push in the right direction for us to become more confident people and to have greater belief in ourselves and who we can be; given the right chance. 

Creativeness

So I'm not going to lie, I'm using this blog as an easy way to get back into creative writing. I used to write all the time stories, blogs, journals! But then what happens, due to time, essays, work and a heap load of other stuff, we seem to hit a mental block!! I have tried to do stories recently - got half way through and then stopped, because there's so much on my mind that it becomes impossible to think about doing anything else. Every time I sat down to write something, everything that had been going on, everything that had been passing through my mind then just spins around - blocking all other creative thoughts from being written down on the page. Like just now for instance, although earlier I had plenty of ideas, now I'm sitting here with a blank sheet thinking..."aw hell". So I've been thinking, how is it best to get all these thoughts out of my head? Lie down and shut my eyes? sit in the darkness with a candle and a notebook, writing down whatever crazy thoughts come into your head? Apparently this is a common one for when you're struggling to sleep - writing down the thoughts racing through your mind before you sleep. Stress has a lot to do with influencing the way in which our mind works - we come to different conclusions about things, the smaller things irritate us, we find it harder to bring creativity to the forefront of our minds. But maybe for an hour of our day we should push something we enjoy to the top of the priorities list, because maybe, once we've done something we enjoy - just a little bit of that stress can be alleviated and maybe then we can focus on creating better of what is was that needed done in the first place.

And I'm now going to shut up and go to bed, cos from this blog and the amount I've wittered on, I can tell I'm tired. 

Respect

 "Respect your elders" How often is it you've heard this phrase? And this is true, we should. They've been through what we have (and probably worse), they give us advice, they tell us off (this is them getting annoyed we aren't taking their advice) and they buy us.....questionable gifts at Christmas. But why should this only extend to the elderly? How many times have you heard people within your own group of friends be rude and disrespectful to others of the same age group? It's all about being civil, no matter how much you don't wish to speak to someone, there's a certain level of being civil which is socially acceptable. You don't have to be best pals with someone but what's wrong with a simple hi? Maybe it's the little things that will make a person's day just a little better, not being made to feel out of place, not feeling under-appreciated in an environment that's comfortable to them, and the simplest way of doing this is just to be civil - just to have a respect for another person's feelings.
How much easier would things be if we could all just be civil towards one another - not getting into stupid disagreements, silly arguments and insane fallouts just because one person can't speak to another. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow, would you ever forgive yourself if something happened to someone you'd held a grudge against? Someone you could no longer bear to be civil to? I've had it happen to me and there's no worse feeling, all the things you could've and should've said. Maybe just getting to say goodbye. So I dare you, next time you are in the same vicinity as someone you can't bear, someone you have every reason to hate, just be civil, and just think about what you gain from rudeness?? Cos I bet it's rare that it makes you feel 'happy'

It's the little things

It 's amazing how much of our day we spend with our heads in the clouds, wandering around in our own little bubbles, stressing about day to day life and not taking in the little things that give us just that little smile to our face. We're quick to remember the down side or the last bad thing that was said to us and all this seems to do is build up a bitterness inside of us, but maybe if we remember the little things that make us happy, or look up from our phones for 5minutes, we might see something that warms that little dark lonely place just a little.
I was at work today, and I was stressed; worried about the 3000 word law essay, stressed about my lack of sleep, stressed about relatives in hospitals. Work was the last place I wanted to be. On seeing me, one of my colleagues just summed it up by saying "jesus christ you look shit". Wow, great. Thanks. I'm glad you noticed. So I started work, bumbling about on the shop floor, keeping my head down and trying to get through my shift just a little bit faster. But when I took the time to look up and see what was going around me, I saw a young girl, shopping with her Dad. She had picked up the BIGGEST gingerbread man possible (I swear this thing was like the size of her) and she was pleading with her Dad to buy it, puppy dog eyes, batting of the eyelashes, everything. And I stopped and I looked at the scene, all the tricks I used to pull on my parents when I desperately wanted something. And I smiled. Maybe because I recognised something in the little girl I recognised in myself, the little mischievous glint in her eye or the way she bounced up to the sales register as soon as her Dad gave in and said yes. Maybe because the childhood innocence that we were so keen to get rid of as soon as we thought we wanted to 'grow up' was sat there right in front of me. But either way, this little scene of family happiness, filled just that little dark hole with just a little warmth. So maybe when we're stressed we need to remeber the little things. Sitting by the fire with a good book. Curling up on a sunday morning with someone you care for. Going to the beach to watch the sunset. Leaving the first footprints in fresh, crunchy snow. Waking up to see frosty rooftops. Kicking up autumn leaves.

Being Peter Pan for just an hour of your day and laying the stresses down beside you and remembering that we're only human. 60 seconds of stress is a minute of happiness we'll never get back.

How Easy We Have It

So here goes a social work related post (It's my future career, I'm allowed). I have just finished watching one of the most shocking and upsetting programmes in quite a while, and it has fully enforced the reason that I have gone down this path.
Victims of domestic abuse often suffer in silence and we have to ask ourselves, why is this the case? Is part of the problem that we as a society are reluctant to admit that this happens? We don't want to admit that something like this could be happening next door, across the street from you, it could be happening to members of your own family and you don't know who to turn to - not thinking that anybody is going to believe you, that it's all attention seeking, its not true. How is it even a possibility for us to consider that someone might be lying about something like that. What these victims are going through is torture and some might not even be aware of it, might not be aware that what they're experiencing is not normal, and we're willing to brush it under the rug?
Domestic violence is a killer - we need to address it as a nation - be willing to admit that it happens and begin to think about how we can support someone, how we can encourage them to see the strength they have in themselves to make it stop. We need to be able to raise awareness and stop the suffering of those who experience it. Because we don't know what the future holds, and maybe at some point in the future we'll be wishing that someone was there to listen to us, to be a pillar of strength when we ourselves are put in that situation and need to find the strength to stop it.

I urge you to watch this and consider it, because no one deserves to be made to feel worthless or to sit there and take the abuse and violence and maybe, the more people that are aware of it, the more we can fight against it.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00w7qqc/Alesha_Dixon_Dont_Hit_My_Mum/

Effort

We put effort into a lot of things, we put more effort into the things we enjoy more than the things that we find a chore. We all know our rooms miraculously get cleaner as soon as we have an assignment due. We put more effort into the things that we feel sure about than the things we're unsure of. But what if our lack of effort is damaging? It might be damaging to our uni work, to our career, to our relationships with friends, our relationships with family.

So why do we do it? Are we so convinced of our own failure that we fear that by putting ourselves all in, we'll get nothing back but failure or hurt? But what about if that task or that person deserves the effort? At what point do we start putting the effort in because we realise that by putting minimal in we're going to get nothing? That that can lead to just as much pain as putting everything in and seeing what happens? At least then you know you've tried, you know that you've given it all you can and it just didn't work, perhaps through your own fault, perhaps not. 

Because there's only so much minimal effort you can give before the chance you had just disappears from right under your nose, you going to then live in regret? 

If you go into something, give it your all, because you never know the opportunities it could produce, and you don't know what chance you had until it's gone

Fear

What is it that makes us afraid? The fear of rejection, the fear of getting hurt, the fear of being different, the fear of being sneered at, the fear of not being enough.
How do these fears even conceive themselves within us? I suppose from an almost psychological p.o.v, we have become conditioned to it, and to an extent, I'd agree. It's almost as if we act in the way society wants us to, we get to a certain age and it suddenly becomes inappropriate to act out in public, we can't sing, we can't dance around to the music at a public event, we can't jump in puddles. and do you know what? Bullshit, why shouldn't we have a laugh? My boyfriend and I went to see the christmas lights switch and to see the fireworks and suddenly it started to rain. To begin with, like the rest of the crowd, we sought shelter under the buildings in the city square, but then we kinda looked at each other. fuck. it. and we went back outside into the pouring rain. and next to us there was a group of around 3 30-40 year old woman, dancing and singing along to the radio playing, and I smiled, cos fuck it, that's what everyone should be doing. On our otherside when we turned around there was a wee girl who was bouncing around, singing along and dancing and jumping in every puddle closest to us she could find. And yes, she did kick water up my leg which was kinda cold....and uncalled for, but for those few minutes, we wanted to be back at that age, where we didn't have to worry, where we could get away with that without a bunch of other people in the crowd thinking that we were weird or that we were on something. And maybe we would be on something. It's called happiness, and hell, life's too short, why shouldn't we?! Why should we act all straight faced and 'our age'?? Oh yeah, because society's dictated to us that as soon as we're a certain age, we have to become entirely responsible, we're not allowed public fun, that has to be saved only for special occasions. Fuck. The. Norm.
What about when it comes to telling someone something. What is it that stops us then? Are we afraid to say it? or are we afraid of what's going to follow? We have control of the situation until we pose onto someone else, something that requires an answer, a reaction. And what if the reaction isn't what we're looking for? It's ultimately the fear of that reaction which causes us to keep our mouths shut, because no reaction is better than the wrong one. "I'm not scared to tell you, I'm afraid of the silence that will follow". But ultimately, we don't know how anybody is going to react, so why don't we take the risk, some would say its better to know that to continue a lie. And why shouldn't that be the case? If the reaction isn't the one we want then we figure out the best way to continue and work out what needs to be done next.
Maybe I've just rambled for a good few hundred words, but maybe somewhere something I have said will have made sense, and next time, you won't just freeze up, you won't be afraid of the reaction, you won't be afraid to let yourself act your shoe size and not your age. Because sometimes, those little moments of immaturity are what we need to relieve just a little bit of that stress and bring a little bit of your innocence and happiness back. And lets face it, that can never be a bad thing.

Remembrance

Ok so I know that really this one is a little late in being posted but there is a reason. on this day, 46 years ago, my godfather was born. and i always take a moment to remember him. Because just 4 years ago, my godfather died serving out in Afghanistan along with 13 other brave men when their nimrod crashed just a few miles out of Kandahar. On the 2nd of September, my life changed and so did the families and friends of everyone who knew the crew, our community changed and since then, the defence plans have now changed. The RAF base that flew out these nimrods is being shut down, the nimrods job being seen as unnecessary when we have all the other equipment available to us in the defence sector. and it all comes down to government spending cuts.

on the 11th of every november we hold a 2minute silence for those who have fallen in wars, for those still fighting. we wear a poppy to remember those who we care about and to remember those that fought and still fight for change. We wear it out of respect and out of honour, because their job is so much harder and so much more risky than our 9-5 desk jobs.

I've heard people say "but thats what they signed up for, they knew the risks" and to an extent, yes, this is try, but that doesn't mean that the risk needs to be there, or that when the worst does happen, that a statement like that makes things any easier for those who have been bereaved. The nimrod my godfather was in, crashed, not out of being shot down or targeted, but through a technical fault that had made it un-airworthy, and with the inquiries that came out soon after, it would appear that for quite some time, this has been the case.

when i was little, i remember doing the 2 minute silences in primary school, we always did it, we always knew why but we didn't understand it, we didn't appreciate the real reason that we do so. so yeah, there would be the odd little giggle from somebody, there'd be the sideway glances to your friends. and then just a few years later when the accident happened, i sat in class and nobody laughed, nobody gived a sideways glance to their friend.
Maybe they had matured, maybe they had grown up, or maybe we'd all suddenly realised how close to home this all was. The 2 minute silence means something different to everyone. for some its at time for people to think of friends, colleagues or family. for some its a time where someone knows, that the majority of people, everywhere, are respecting those who have died - respecting the one that they have lost. For me its a time of reflection, and thinking about how i would have behaved if i hadnt known that he would have been taken so soon, a time for me to grieve in public and not be ashamed, because i'm proud of them, i'm proud of the entire crew and how they reacted from the moment the fire in the nimrod was located.

Perhaps what people dont understand, is that for those who have lost someone close to them, the 2 minute remembrance is timeless, because at least at one point, each and everyday, we are forced to remember and face the grieving process, face the sinking in the heart everytime we remember that they aren't coming home. having it as an 'official' day only gives us the reassurance that we aren't the only ones who respect the fallen.

For the first time since the accident, I was alone on remembrance day. I was in dundee, without my family. i was alone in the city centre with no one else around me i knew, and no one that knew my story. and i cried. I stood there alone and i let myself cry and i thought of my family and how i wish i could have been with them at that moment. but in a way, doing it alone made me just that little bit stronger, it gave me a belief in myself and in others that  when the shit hits the fan, we always remember and we always respect. and maybe thats one of the good things we should learn. that we're strong enough to make it through whatever life throws at us, as long as we can come together and show our support.

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old: age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.


In Memory of:

FS Stephen Beattie
Sgt Gary Paul Quilliam
Flt Lt Steven Johnson
Flt Lt Leigh Anthony Mitchelmore
Flt Lt Gareth Rodney Nicholas
Flt Lt Allan James Squires
Flt Lt Steven Swarbrick
FS Gary Wayne Andrews
FS Gerard Martin Bell
FS Adrian Davies
Sgt Benjamin James Knight
Sgt John Joseph Langton
Cpl Oliver Simon Dicketts, Parachute Regiment
Mne Joseph David Windall, Royal Marines