5 Years

It feels weird saying it but that's how long its been. 5 years. So much has changed over that time. People have come and gone; friends, boyfriends, colleagues. Some of them have resurfaced, some of them may never be in contact again. Your face for certain I know I will not see. But what makes it the hardest is the fact that memories begin to fade; your face, once so clear begins to blur. And whilst this scares part of me, I am comforted by the fact my life was touched by you; that I was lucky enough to have you as a godfather, I am proud of that fact; just as I know so many other people are proud of you and what you have sacrificed.
The rugby shirt you gave for my birthday has become my comfort blanket and is worn religiously on this day and on the day where the country remembers your sacrifice.
I hope that one day I will make you as proud as you have made me. And I know when that day comes you'll be smiling down on me.

and sometimes i just want to give up.
sometimes i don't know why i'm still here.
when lifes just a cycle full of pain.

Sick of your Skin

And the sound of my heart breaking is still more audible than the whispers of my doubts.

Ever have those days where more than anything you just don't want to be inside your own skin?

Today is one of those days. Where I'm so low down in myself I don't even know where positive thinking is.
I like to kid myself that I'm doing ok, and that I'm handling everything that is happening with grace and respect for myself. Realistically, I know I'm lying to myself. My confidence is probably as low as it has been over the past few years, I did something I thought I wouldn't reduce myself to. I ordered diet pills. I don't know what possessed me; probably the same feeling of not being good enough that haunted me for years, yet I thought I had that under control. Maybe the fact I'm in love with someone who clearly doesn't want me back is messing up my thoughts but all rational thought seems to have gone out of the window.
Maybe I post all this on here in all irrational hope that he'll check out this blog, realise what it's doing to me and realise he doesn't wanna let me go. Realise that I'm still here waiting. And I don't know how to stop waiting, I don't know how to stop my heart breaking.
I don't know why I post this, maybe I just want somebody to take it all away. To make this all stop. Because somethings gotta give. I can't go on living a life where I don't feel like myself. But what else can I do. 

Brain Functionings.

It's like my biggest fear is being alone, unwanted, not good enough. I fear I'm not as much fun, not as funny and not as pretty as anyone else someone might want to hang around with. Maybe that holds me back some. I never feel that I've found the right group of friends; the ones that truly accept me. A few perhaps but they're scattered about the place, and time and distance always seems to change things, at least a little. People move and begin their own lives with different circles of friends. It's like my brain automatically finds a way to change things, to change my perception from normal to something warped, or paranoid. I begin to feel I'm not wanted, or not good enough. But instead of attempting to shut that voice up and join in anyway, I give in to it. I listen to it. I shut myself off. And as a result, I get more and more isolated; and eventually, more and more paranoid.

I find it difficult in groups. I'm not a strong personality. I like to sit and take note of all that's going on around me, only ever partaking when I feel I have something worthy to add. And then there are others I feel I could talk to for hours and so I do, eventually worrying I might be annoying them and trying to shut myself up.

I get worried about texting people. That as I do so, they're surprised to see my name and instead roll their eyes and think 'I can't be bothered'. Of course this means that most texts are sent with a sense of guilt, or that no matter how much I want to text them, I'm so scared of the rejection that I can't bring myself to do it.

The worst of it is that I recognise that I'm doing it; but no matter what, it's always so hard to snap myself out of it. I had confidence once, in who I was and the people I was with. But when abandonment comes around I find it all zapped and it becomes a cycle so difficult to break. So for anyone that might be reading this that I was once/am close to, I do miss you, and I do wish everyday to speak to you but sometimes the overwhelming cloud in my head just overtakes and the full whispers of doubt interrupt. I never mean to be awkward or distant, it's just the torturous way my brain functions. One day, it might be different, but until then, it's up to my to work out how to break the quiet and build the confidence to be who I am or need to be. 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Would like to pretend things are different.
But I'm still just a broken hearted girl, wondering where things went wrong.
Cos I gave you my HEART, so what do I do now. What do I have left.

The Bucket List

When you're growing up, life seems full of endless possibilities. We grow up believing that we can be whoever and whatever we want. Alas, as we grow up, we learn that these things are not always possible there are....barriers...for instance, sometimes the person you want to be is a fictional character (yes, I wanted to be Disney's Pocahontas and yes, I'm still bitter about it), as you go through school you learn that sometimes, you just can't get the grades you need (my next choice was forensic pathology, this didn't happen either), and sometimes you just learn that the career you always wanted, isn't what you thought it was going to be.

One of the greatest questions us humans seem to consider is the meaning of life. Why are we here. Particularly, when you have a really bad day, then we really question what the point of it all is. Yet we ask ourself the question with no answer; every one has their own ideas, their own goals and their own plans. And I believe that is our purpose. Life is what we make of it and we're only going to get out what we put in. If we going around being arrogant, selfish and unpleasant we're not going to experience joy and laughter and love.

Yes we work long hours to keep food on our tables and hot showers (I'm speaking generally, as a student I have a little way to go before hitting full independence); but instead of moaning about it, consider the people you work with, learn from them and use your hard earned cash not just on the necessities but to find the beauty in things - hell sometimes that doesn't even require money! Spend time with your friends and laugh, go for a walk at a beach, through a woods, up a mountain; somewhere that gives you a moment of complete calm and peace, with both yourself and the things around you. Use your time in the world to embrace people, to show them how good things can be, to introduce them to new ways of life and to try new things yourself; enjoy, challenge and dare yourself.

Having watched The Bucket List I decided to make my own and to try and be an exciting and interesting individual. This list may be short but hey, it's my list, there's nothing to stop me adding to it.

• Go back to the beach and fly a kite.
• See the Taj Mahal. 
• Do something exhilarating/terrifying (Skydive/bungee jump).
• Laugh until you cry.
• Help less fortunate individuals.
• Make a difference to someone else's life.
• Drive a super cool car. Or a mini.
• Write a book. 
• Climb a mountain.
• Watch a sunset in a magical setting.
• Paint/Photograph said sunset.
• Try Poledancing.
• Fall in Love.
• Learn how to make proper cocktails.
• Attend at least one formal evening in a stunning dress.

What Happens Next :)

I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I get a jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could. I guess it's my insecurities acting up. Because I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or most fun and exciting. But, I do know that no matter how hard and long you look; you'll never find somebody that loves you like I do.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Now one of my close friends hates Cosmo magazine. Perhaps understandable...being a bloke and all. And he's probably going to hate the fact that I have taken advice from this magazine; however it is moving on advice and I feel a hell of a lot lighter. Why spend weeks or months waiting for the one you thought loved you to even speak to you, no matter how many times you try to make just civil conversation?!
Advice Point 1: Watch Marley & Me...or any other film that makes you blub your eyes out. Have a weekend of watching this films. Get as much grieving done over that weekend as possible. After that, get your act together. Pamper yourself - hair, nails, shopping and exercise - make yourself busy.
Advice Point 2: Change Your Brain. Fair enough - you can't get someone out of your mind straight away Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style (gutting I know)  but you can make yourself feel better. Surround yourself by friends and get plenty of hugs (hugs drive up oxytocin which is present at orgasm which apparently your body craves after a break up (or any other time of the day)).
Advice Point 3: Delete his number. Ok so I haven't quite followed this one yet. Buuut, his picture has been removed from my locket, his belongings have been dropped off at his dads and communication is almost entirely cut anyway. I'm not sinking to the level of begging or craving contact from him. It ended it for a reason, if thats the way he wants things, that's the way they'll be, I can't live my life wondering what if and why. I have a life to lead with amazing friends and a loving heart, sometimes I may feel lonely but I'm never alone.
Advice Point 4: Don't sleep with him. Well....I don't think there's a chance of that happening - one of the advantages of long distance. So thanks Cosmo but this ones not much use for me.

This is the last post of this kind. It's time to move on. Enjoy myself an not worry about 'what I did wrong'. Eventually, I'll open my heart up again and find someone else. Until then, I'll enjoy what I've got, work hard, go to Africa for what will be the best experience of my life and save up the cash so I can get back to being a social bunny next year ;)