5 Years

It feels weird saying it but that's how long its been. 5 years. So much has changed over that time. People have come and gone; friends, boyfriends, colleagues. Some of them have resurfaced, some of them may never be in contact again. Your face for certain I know I will not see. But what makes it the hardest is the fact that memories begin to fade; your face, once so clear begins to blur. And whilst this scares part of me, I am comforted by the fact my life was touched by you; that I was lucky enough to have you as a godfather, I am proud of that fact; just as I know so many other people are proud of you and what you have sacrificed.
The rugby shirt you gave for my birthday has become my comfort blanket and is worn religiously on this day and on the day where the country remembers your sacrifice.
I hope that one day I will make you as proud as you have made me. And I know when that day comes you'll be smiling down on me.

and sometimes i just want to give up.
sometimes i don't know why i'm still here.
when lifes just a cycle full of pain.

Sick of your Skin

And the sound of my heart breaking is still more audible than the whispers of my doubts.

Ever have those days where more than anything you just don't want to be inside your own skin?

Today is one of those days. Where I'm so low down in myself I don't even know where positive thinking is.
I like to kid myself that I'm doing ok, and that I'm handling everything that is happening with grace and respect for myself. Realistically, I know I'm lying to myself. My confidence is probably as low as it has been over the past few years, I did something I thought I wouldn't reduce myself to. I ordered diet pills. I don't know what possessed me; probably the same feeling of not being good enough that haunted me for years, yet I thought I had that under control. Maybe the fact I'm in love with someone who clearly doesn't want me back is messing up my thoughts but all rational thought seems to have gone out of the window.
Maybe I post all this on here in all irrational hope that he'll check out this blog, realise what it's doing to me and realise he doesn't wanna let me go. Realise that I'm still here waiting. And I don't know how to stop waiting, I don't know how to stop my heart breaking.
I don't know why I post this, maybe I just want somebody to take it all away. To make this all stop. Because somethings gotta give. I can't go on living a life where I don't feel like myself. But what else can I do. 

Brain Functionings.

It's like my biggest fear is being alone, unwanted, not good enough. I fear I'm not as much fun, not as funny and not as pretty as anyone else someone might want to hang around with. Maybe that holds me back some. I never feel that I've found the right group of friends; the ones that truly accept me. A few perhaps but they're scattered about the place, and time and distance always seems to change things, at least a little. People move and begin their own lives with different circles of friends. It's like my brain automatically finds a way to change things, to change my perception from normal to something warped, or paranoid. I begin to feel I'm not wanted, or not good enough. But instead of attempting to shut that voice up and join in anyway, I give in to it. I listen to it. I shut myself off. And as a result, I get more and more isolated; and eventually, more and more paranoid.

I find it difficult in groups. I'm not a strong personality. I like to sit and take note of all that's going on around me, only ever partaking when I feel I have something worthy to add. And then there are others I feel I could talk to for hours and so I do, eventually worrying I might be annoying them and trying to shut myself up.

I get worried about texting people. That as I do so, they're surprised to see my name and instead roll their eyes and think 'I can't be bothered'. Of course this means that most texts are sent with a sense of guilt, or that no matter how much I want to text them, I'm so scared of the rejection that I can't bring myself to do it.

The worst of it is that I recognise that I'm doing it; but no matter what, it's always so hard to snap myself out of it. I had confidence once, in who I was and the people I was with. But when abandonment comes around I find it all zapped and it becomes a cycle so difficult to break. So for anyone that might be reading this that I was once/am close to, I do miss you, and I do wish everyday to speak to you but sometimes the overwhelming cloud in my head just overtakes and the full whispers of doubt interrupt. I never mean to be awkward or distant, it's just the torturous way my brain functions. One day, it might be different, but until then, it's up to my to work out how to break the quiet and build the confidence to be who I am or need to be. 

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back.

Would like to pretend things are different.
But I'm still just a broken hearted girl, wondering where things went wrong.
Cos I gave you my HEART, so what do I do now. What do I have left.

The Bucket List

When you're growing up, life seems full of endless possibilities. We grow up believing that we can be whoever and whatever we want. Alas, as we grow up, we learn that these things are not always possible there are....barriers...for instance, sometimes the person you want to be is a fictional character (yes, I wanted to be Disney's Pocahontas and yes, I'm still bitter about it), as you go through school you learn that sometimes, you just can't get the grades you need (my next choice was forensic pathology, this didn't happen either), and sometimes you just learn that the career you always wanted, isn't what you thought it was going to be.

One of the greatest questions us humans seem to consider is the meaning of life. Why are we here. Particularly, when you have a really bad day, then we really question what the point of it all is. Yet we ask ourself the question with no answer; every one has their own ideas, their own goals and their own plans. And I believe that is our purpose. Life is what we make of it and we're only going to get out what we put in. If we going around being arrogant, selfish and unpleasant we're not going to experience joy and laughter and love.

Yes we work long hours to keep food on our tables and hot showers (I'm speaking generally, as a student I have a little way to go before hitting full independence); but instead of moaning about it, consider the people you work with, learn from them and use your hard earned cash not just on the necessities but to find the beauty in things - hell sometimes that doesn't even require money! Spend time with your friends and laugh, go for a walk at a beach, through a woods, up a mountain; somewhere that gives you a moment of complete calm and peace, with both yourself and the things around you. Use your time in the world to embrace people, to show them how good things can be, to introduce them to new ways of life and to try new things yourself; enjoy, challenge and dare yourself.

Having watched The Bucket List I decided to make my own and to try and be an exciting and interesting individual. This list may be short but hey, it's my list, there's nothing to stop me adding to it.

• Go back to the beach and fly a kite.
• See the Taj Mahal. 
• Do something exhilarating/terrifying (Skydive/bungee jump).
• Laugh until you cry.
• Help less fortunate individuals.
• Make a difference to someone else's life.
• Drive a super cool car. Or a mini.
• Write a book. 
• Climb a mountain.
• Watch a sunset in a magical setting.
• Paint/Photograph said sunset.
• Try Poledancing.
• Fall in Love.
• Learn how to make proper cocktails.
• Attend at least one formal evening in a stunning dress.

What Happens Next :)

I'm sorry.
Sometimes, I get a jealous thinking that someone else could make you happier than I could. I guess it's my insecurities acting up. Because I know I'm not the prettiest, smartest, or most fun and exciting. But, I do know that no matter how hard and long you look; you'll never find somebody that loves you like I do.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Now one of my close friends hates Cosmo magazine. Perhaps understandable...being a bloke and all. And he's probably going to hate the fact that I have taken advice from this magazine; however it is moving on advice and I feel a hell of a lot lighter. Why spend weeks or months waiting for the one you thought loved you to even speak to you, no matter how many times you try to make just civil conversation?!
Advice Point 1: Watch Marley & Me...or any other film that makes you blub your eyes out. Have a weekend of watching this films. Get as much grieving done over that weekend as possible. After that, get your act together. Pamper yourself - hair, nails, shopping and exercise - make yourself busy.
Advice Point 2: Change Your Brain. Fair enough - you can't get someone out of your mind straight away Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style (gutting I know)  but you can make yourself feel better. Surround yourself by friends and get plenty of hugs (hugs drive up oxytocin which is present at orgasm which apparently your body craves after a break up (or any other time of the day)).
Advice Point 3: Delete his number. Ok so I haven't quite followed this one yet. Buuut, his picture has been removed from my locket, his belongings have been dropped off at his dads and communication is almost entirely cut anyway. I'm not sinking to the level of begging or craving contact from him. It ended it for a reason, if thats the way he wants things, that's the way they'll be, I can't live my life wondering what if and why. I have a life to lead with amazing friends and a loving heart, sometimes I may feel lonely but I'm never alone.
Advice Point 4: Don't sleep with him. Well....I don't think there's a chance of that happening - one of the advantages of long distance. So thanks Cosmo but this ones not much use for me.

This is the last post of this kind. It's time to move on. Enjoy myself an not worry about 'what I did wrong'. Eventually, I'll open my heart up again and find someone else. Until then, I'll enjoy what I've got, work hard, go to Africa for what will be the best experience of my life and save up the cash so I can get back to being a social bunny next year ;)

An Open Letter to Myself

So a friend of mine wrote one of these a while back. I thought it was a fantastic idea, but I was scared to write one myself. I have skeletons in my closet and a lot of demons that hide inside me that only a very select few get to see. But things have changed recently. I fell in love, head over heels, I trusted someone and gave them my heart and they gave me theirs back. Things change though, as they always seem to and once again, I was left alone. Or should I say; lonely but not alone.
People have always been there for me, but even that doesn't come close to the intimacy you can feel with the one you love. You share each others hopes and dreams and fears and never once think that they will find you stupid. Indeed, you can act like complete idiots with each other and not have a care in the world. I found that person and in one moment all that was gone. I'm not trying to say my experiences are worse than anyone elses. I appreciate that heartbreak can happen for anyone. Sometimes 6 months into a relationship, others 4 years. But no matter how long you've been with that person, if you loved them thats that, and everyone can appreciate the hurt of loving someone too much. So here's my letter to myself.

Sarah,
I know you feel let down, that everytime you let someone in you get left disappointed, your trusting and put your all into a relationship; don't let the world take that from you. No matter how bitter the disappointment, there's someone out there who wants to give you themselves and will never cease to amaze you and try his hardest not to disappoint you. Your faith in people is what makes you who you are, don't lose it.

I know you don't have confidence in yourself, in your looks or what you have to offer people but listen to what your close friends tell you, you are worth knowing and your not as ugly and fat as you think you are, you're always so critical of yourself, let go of the past and enjoy yourself.

Take on board Steve's words. You can be whatever you want to be, just put your mind to it. Get your head down at uni and really make these 4 years worth it. And SOCIALISE MORE! It's not gonna kill you! Just maintain your self respect, you're worth more than one night stands.
Keep smiling, keep busy and keep the faith.

Power Cuts and the loss of our Imagination

So it is perhaps ironic that I'm using the internet to blog on how technology has taken over but these days it would appear there is little other way to communicate with the people of this world.

The weather, as we all know, has been a little insane these past few days, alas, we were cursed with a deadly power cut for a whole 30 MINUTES! OMG WHAT WILL WE DO!? Panic, update facebook as soon as is physically possible, all looking for confirmation that yes, indeed, everything was off and they were left with no tv, no facebook, no computers, no games. Me? I was more annoyed that we weren't even 10minutes into Zumba and that if the electricity didn't sort it out I was gonna look fecking awful at my interview tomorrow. I didn't however go into a bitch hiss fit and hulk over the fact that I would have 'nothing to do'.

Sometimes I even wish that curfew was on internet and tv and gaming (I know my gaming friends are probably reaching for their consoles right about now to batter me with but stop). From my point of view, it would encourage us to release that childish side of us again where we went outside and saw our friends, where we'd read and write stories and play games with our family. Instead right now, as the power is back on, I'm choosing to right a blog about it, my mums sat playing some game on facebook and the tv is on playing a film that neither of us are particularly watching.

We've become such a lazy country and generation where if its not cyber we don't seem to be interested. The amazonkindle: am I the only person that likes to sit with the feeling of a proper book in my hand, turning the pages myself? msn/facebook chat: a great invention for those who have friends and relatives who you rarely see but you're friends down the road?! get out of bed, get together and have banter that isn't interrupted by the fact that internet can't express tone. If you insist on using technology at least use the phone or skype. At least your physically talking, even better with skype where you can make eye contact!

Fair enough I'm maybe not the best person to talk, I spend my fair amount of time on facebook, refreshing the page and waiting for something interesting to happen but to be honest, I kind of like it when the internet goes down. Providing I don't have an essay due, it's nice to sit back and chill with a book and unleashing that imaginative part of myself that isn't constricted by law or social justice or social policy or placement. Now, to try and persuade others that reading and going back to the 'dark ages' in terms of entertainment isn't the worst that could happen. Hell I might even persuade them to write a letter to a friend and post it rather than sending a half assed email.

Love. New Starts.

"but thats the beauty of love. you will find someone and you will love them in a different way than you loved whats his face. something about the way he reads the paper every morning , or always had time for you red headed kids, or the way that he always knows that after a hard day you want a cup of tea and foot rub. Its different every time, change is good" - something a very dear friend said to me tonight before challenging me to this blog.  


Well I'm slowly getting there, slowly learning to keep my head above water. It's taking a while. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give them the second chance. You think you're a bastard? I'll challenge you, I can guarantee I'll have met worse and managed not to kick them in the balls. I used to trust people to easily. It lead to hurt. Now, anything anyone says is almost like water off a ducks back. Yes I'll listen, yes I'll take note, take you seriously. But until you are standing in front of me, with some sort of proof, I'm not going to believe you, I'm not going to put my faith in you. It's my defense mechanism. I've always said that there's just that one part of me that no one gets to touch and no one gets to see. Cos then, when you take all I've given you and thrown it away, I still have that one piece that I can build myself from. Maybe a slightly different me nevertheless it'll be a me that no one else will have touched, where I can put a different mask and act in a way thats pleasing to me, that gets me through.


My hands still shake when I see his name, but I can sleep easier. I've got people that text me and make every day easier to get up and smile and dance around like a crazy person. Fair enough, I get weird looks but its my release. It's what I have to do so that some form of emotion escapes me. Maybe it will take a while for me to trust again, to love again. But I do believe it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Hurt will catch up with someone whatever life path you take. But hurt passes and eventually, in time, smiles come with the memories the happened before the hurt and heart break. And those are the memories worth treasuring.

Love

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

I'm a terrible, terrible person.

This blog isn't a sympathy one, just somewhere to put my thoughts.
Ok so I know I haven't blogged in....MONTHS. Buuuuut, I've been busy. like mega busy. and then recently, I've had to deal with something I thought I wouldn't have to at least for a very long time.
Loves something I never thought I'd find. I came close to it, but kept my mouth shut. And with good reason, both of these relationships took a backward turn. But then, lo and behold, there was someone different. Someone who appreciated women, like actually appreciated them for who they are. Made me feel worth it, good enough, pretty enough and that I didn't have to act like someone else, I didn't have to lose weight, I didn't have to be perfect, because to them, I was already close enough...or so it seemed.
Things can change in what seems like a split second.
No matter how much things have been crossing your mind, you never think it'll be enough to change your life in a split second. The first time I ever told someone I loved them. I gave them my heart and my trust. Alas it didn't work out. Perhaps I was naive, perhaps too trusting, perhaps I just wanted to believe.
It's weird the response you get from this, you deserve better, you'll find someone who deserves you, but what if you feel you don't, that if anything, you don't deserve them. "i feel you deserve better". What are you supposed to take from that. If anything it's not freed me to go find someone better, I was happy, all that means now is that it's going to take me longer to trust again, that I'm not going to feel comfortable putting myself out there. But what can I do? Lay in bed all day? Drink? Waste my money? I'm lucky I have the friends and family that I do. The ones that stay up till 1 in the morning speaking to me, the ones who deal with my constant texting, the ones who wake me up in the morning and force me out of bed and to do something productive. So when life and heartbreak gets you down, there's only one thing you can do, keep smiling, keep  busy and appreciate the ones who've chosen to stay by your side.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWIbIe0N90