Love. New Starts.

"but thats the beauty of love. you will find someone and you will love them in a different way than you loved whats his face. something about the way he reads the paper every morning , or always had time for you red headed kids, or the way that he always knows that after a hard day you want a cup of tea and foot rub. Its different every time, change is good" - something a very dear friend said to me tonight before challenging me to this blog.  


Well I'm slowly getting there, slowly learning to keep my head above water. It's taking a while. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give them the second chance. You think you're a bastard? I'll challenge you, I can guarantee I'll have met worse and managed not to kick them in the balls. I used to trust people to easily. It lead to hurt. Now, anything anyone says is almost like water off a ducks back. Yes I'll listen, yes I'll take note, take you seriously. But until you are standing in front of me, with some sort of proof, I'm not going to believe you, I'm not going to put my faith in you. It's my defense mechanism. I've always said that there's just that one part of me that no one gets to touch and no one gets to see. Cos then, when you take all I've given you and thrown it away, I still have that one piece that I can build myself from. Maybe a slightly different me nevertheless it'll be a me that no one else will have touched, where I can put a different mask and act in a way thats pleasing to me, that gets me through.


My hands still shake when I see his name, but I can sleep easier. I've got people that text me and make every day easier to get up and smile and dance around like a crazy person. Fair enough, I get weird looks but its my release. It's what I have to do so that some form of emotion escapes me. Maybe it will take a while for me to trust again, to love again. But I do believe it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Hurt will catch up with someone whatever life path you take. But hurt passes and eventually, in time, smiles come with the memories the happened before the hurt and heart break. And those are the memories worth treasuring.