An Open Letter to Myself

So a friend of mine wrote one of these a while back. I thought it was a fantastic idea, but I was scared to write one myself. I have skeletons in my closet and a lot of demons that hide inside me that only a very select few get to see. But things have changed recently. I fell in love, head over heels, I trusted someone and gave them my heart and they gave me theirs back. Things change though, as they always seem to and once again, I was left alone. Or should I say; lonely but not alone.
People have always been there for me, but even that doesn't come close to the intimacy you can feel with the one you love. You share each others hopes and dreams and fears and never once think that they will find you stupid. Indeed, you can act like complete idiots with each other and not have a care in the world. I found that person and in one moment all that was gone. I'm not trying to say my experiences are worse than anyone elses. I appreciate that heartbreak can happen for anyone. Sometimes 6 months into a relationship, others 4 years. But no matter how long you've been with that person, if you loved them thats that, and everyone can appreciate the hurt of loving someone too much. So here's my letter to myself.

Sarah,
I know you feel let down, that everytime you let someone in you get left disappointed, your trusting and put your all into a relationship; don't let the world take that from you. No matter how bitter the disappointment, there's someone out there who wants to give you themselves and will never cease to amaze you and try his hardest not to disappoint you. Your faith in people is what makes you who you are, don't lose it.

I know you don't have confidence in yourself, in your looks or what you have to offer people but listen to what your close friends tell you, you are worth knowing and your not as ugly and fat as you think you are, you're always so critical of yourself, let go of the past and enjoy yourself.

Take on board Steve's words. You can be whatever you want to be, just put your mind to it. Get your head down at uni and really make these 4 years worth it. And SOCIALISE MORE! It's not gonna kill you! Just maintain your self respect, you're worth more than one night stands.
Keep smiling, keep busy and keep the faith.

Power Cuts and the loss of our Imagination

So it is perhaps ironic that I'm using the internet to blog on how technology has taken over but these days it would appear there is little other way to communicate with the people of this world.

The weather, as we all know, has been a little insane these past few days, alas, we were cursed with a deadly power cut for a whole 30 MINUTES! OMG WHAT WILL WE DO!? Panic, update facebook as soon as is physically possible, all looking for confirmation that yes, indeed, everything was off and they were left with no tv, no facebook, no computers, no games. Me? I was more annoyed that we weren't even 10minutes into Zumba and that if the electricity didn't sort it out I was gonna look fecking awful at my interview tomorrow. I didn't however go into a bitch hiss fit and hulk over the fact that I would have 'nothing to do'.

Sometimes I even wish that curfew was on internet and tv and gaming (I know my gaming friends are probably reaching for their consoles right about now to batter me with but stop). From my point of view, it would encourage us to release that childish side of us again where we went outside and saw our friends, where we'd read and write stories and play games with our family. Instead right now, as the power is back on, I'm choosing to right a blog about it, my mums sat playing some game on facebook and the tv is on playing a film that neither of us are particularly watching.

We've become such a lazy country and generation where if its not cyber we don't seem to be interested. The amazonkindle: am I the only person that likes to sit with the feeling of a proper book in my hand, turning the pages myself? msn/facebook chat: a great invention for those who have friends and relatives who you rarely see but you're friends down the road?! get out of bed, get together and have banter that isn't interrupted by the fact that internet can't express tone. If you insist on using technology at least use the phone or skype. At least your physically talking, even better with skype where you can make eye contact!

Fair enough I'm maybe not the best person to talk, I spend my fair amount of time on facebook, refreshing the page and waiting for something interesting to happen but to be honest, I kind of like it when the internet goes down. Providing I don't have an essay due, it's nice to sit back and chill with a book and unleashing that imaginative part of myself that isn't constricted by law or social justice or social policy or placement. Now, to try and persuade others that reading and going back to the 'dark ages' in terms of entertainment isn't the worst that could happen. Hell I might even persuade them to write a letter to a friend and post it rather than sending a half assed email.

Love. New Starts.

"but thats the beauty of love. you will find someone and you will love them in a different way than you loved whats his face. something about the way he reads the paper every morning , or always had time for you red headed kids, or the way that he always knows that after a hard day you want a cup of tea and foot rub. Its different every time, change is good" - something a very dear friend said to me tonight before challenging me to this blog.  


Well I'm slowly getting there, slowly learning to keep my head above water. It's taking a while. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I want to give them the second chance. You think you're a bastard? I'll challenge you, I can guarantee I'll have met worse and managed not to kick them in the balls. I used to trust people to easily. It lead to hurt. Now, anything anyone says is almost like water off a ducks back. Yes I'll listen, yes I'll take note, take you seriously. But until you are standing in front of me, with some sort of proof, I'm not going to believe you, I'm not going to put my faith in you. It's my defense mechanism. I've always said that there's just that one part of me that no one gets to touch and no one gets to see. Cos then, when you take all I've given you and thrown it away, I still have that one piece that I can build myself from. Maybe a slightly different me nevertheless it'll be a me that no one else will have touched, where I can put a different mask and act in a way thats pleasing to me, that gets me through.


My hands still shake when I see his name, but I can sleep easier. I've got people that text me and make every day easier to get up and smile and dance around like a crazy person. Fair enough, I get weird looks but its my release. It's what I have to do so that some form of emotion escapes me. Maybe it will take a while for me to trust again, to love again. But I do believe it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Hurt will catch up with someone whatever life path you take. But hurt passes and eventually, in time, smiles come with the memories the happened before the hurt and heart break. And those are the memories worth treasuring.

Love

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

I'm a terrible, terrible person.

This blog isn't a sympathy one, just somewhere to put my thoughts.
Ok so I know I haven't blogged in....MONTHS. Buuuuut, I've been busy. like mega busy. and then recently, I've had to deal with something I thought I wouldn't have to at least for a very long time.
Loves something I never thought I'd find. I came close to it, but kept my mouth shut. And with good reason, both of these relationships took a backward turn. But then, lo and behold, there was someone different. Someone who appreciated women, like actually appreciated them for who they are. Made me feel worth it, good enough, pretty enough and that I didn't have to act like someone else, I didn't have to lose weight, I didn't have to be perfect, because to them, I was already close enough...or so it seemed.
Things can change in what seems like a split second.
No matter how much things have been crossing your mind, you never think it'll be enough to change your life in a split second. The first time I ever told someone I loved them. I gave them my heart and my trust. Alas it didn't work out. Perhaps I was naive, perhaps too trusting, perhaps I just wanted to believe.
It's weird the response you get from this, you deserve better, you'll find someone who deserves you, but what if you feel you don't, that if anything, you don't deserve them. "i feel you deserve better". What are you supposed to take from that. If anything it's not freed me to go find someone better, I was happy, all that means now is that it's going to take me longer to trust again, that I'm not going to feel comfortable putting myself out there. But what can I do? Lay in bed all day? Drink? Waste my money? I'm lucky I have the friends and family that I do. The ones that stay up till 1 in the morning speaking to me, the ones who deal with my constant texting, the ones who wake me up in the morning and force me out of bed and to do something productive. So when life and heartbreak gets you down, there's only one thing you can do, keep smiling, keep  busy and appreciate the ones who've chosen to stay by your side.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWIbIe0N90

It's a like thing

So a mate of mine recently wrote a blog of the things he liked and asked us at the end, what we liked. So...here goes:
I like waking up to see frost on the rooftops, I like sitting an watching snow from the window, I like crunchy snow that no-ones stepped in, similarly I like crunchy leaves that no ones stepped in. I like the colours of autumn (and yes, I'm aware that I seem to be moving backwards through the seasons).
I like listening to music that fits your every mood. I like waiting in lines to gigs and feeling the little butterflies in your stomach.
I also like those butterflies when you know you're falling for somebody or have already fallen and they still make you feel like you're the only one. I like hugs - especially the ones on a lazy day in bed when you just curl around someone special and become an utter tangle of legs and arms and cuddly toys.
I love that first breath of freedom - when you've made that right decision and the weight on your shoulders just kind of melts.
I like having moments where I can be a complete and utter child - watch films, wear a onesie and just giggle and laugh with the person next to me. I love falling asleep in that persons arms.
I like getting a kiss on the forehead - it makes me smile.
I like those moments with friends where you just dance around in your room and then fall about laughing; eventually forgetting what it is you were laughing about. I like it when you haven't seen your friends in ages and the hug you then get from them.
I like the smell of Christmas.
I like chocolate milkshake.

And after all that, it's plain to see I'm a simple pleasures kinda gal. I like listening to music with a happy memory attached and smiling like a lunatic on the train. I like the texts that have the same effect. I like the people that also appreciate the little things, because it's the little things that can make a day just a little brighter.

Change

Change happens everyday and it's something that we all adapt to, maybe a road into work was closed today, you had to change your route. Maybe you found out you were allergic to something and had to change your diet. Sometimes, we decide that it's our mindset, or a certain aspect of ourselves that we need to change. Our hair colour, our weight, our hair style, our view towards certain things. Sometimes, we decide to change our own frame of mind. I used to get teased a little back in the day for my hair colour, I had slightly ginger hair, not the carrot top stuff but I was certainly never disguising it as anything else. I got blonde highlights for years and when I eventually stopped, my hair went darker and lost some of its natural redness and to be honest with you, I was slightly gutted. I kinda wanted to be different from the crowd, have a hair colour that was difficult to dye it to.. And to an extent, that all boils down to confidence, I have recently been speaking to people who have given me the confidence to believe in myself and who I am and to be that person. So, I braved it, I bought hair dye and have dyed my hair back to more of it's original colour, although its darker than what my hair used to be when I was wee, its still got that ginger colour to it. and I love it. It feels like ME (mum, if your reading this, I'm sorry, I only got your text after I did it and I promise you won't hate it). 

I have also shocked myself by conditionally agreeing to do a naked calendar (conditions being female photographer, and only girls from my course in the room). Me. Do a naked calendar. I swear the snow is making me LOOPY. But hey, I'm young, I've not got an entirely terrible and if I can't have the balls to do it now and just enjoy life, when am I going to? When I'm 65 and things are wrinkly and generally going south? I THINK NOT. And anyway, I think that this will be such a personal achievement and challenge at the same time, for someone whose not particularly fond of their body to show it? Good on them, cos that takes guts. And maybe that will be enough to give me just that little bit more confidence in myself and my body, that I will step outside my comfort zone and do challenges that are personal to me. Plus its all in the name of charity and a ball for the society, who am I to turn that down!!

Anyway, maybe what I'm trying to say is that change isn't all bad, maybe it's just a push in the right direction for us to become more confident people and to have greater belief in ourselves and who we can be; given the right chance.